Trust

Trust is necessary for every relationship, not necessary that it’s easier to trust your blood relatives and not other people whom you meet in your life time. In fact sometimes we get to see  lack of trust even in  a parent-child relationship which is the closest and most beautiful form of relationship( esp youngsters , with the main idea that parents will not understand them, and they start hiding things)

Today why is it getting so difficult to trust others? May be because we not able to trust ourselves? Ok and what if our trust is broken? Should we forgive?

They say it’s easier to forgive blood-related but difficult for an outsider. Forgiveness can be given to anybody, not necessary blood related, because I know how to forgive, but we choose whom should we forgive and whom not to forgive. If we know the art of forgiveness, if we can forgive someone, we can forgive anyone.

But what is that Trust and how do we develop it? To find that out, we first need to experience it ourselves. In present times why is it difficult to trust someone? Because before trusting someone you first doubt them.  There’s not defining of percentage of trust or doubt we have on others, yes but the effort we put in any relationship / friendship can be defined.

We cannot say that I trust you and gradually over the time my trust will increase. Either there is trust or it’s not there at all. Even when there’s a single doubt in your mind, you are still in the doubtful stage. Also there’s this interesting thing that some of my friends getting into new relationships said that “I’ll be mentally prepared, so that even if I’ve to face betrayal, I won’t be that hurt, that my life stops”, saying this itself means that you don’t trust that individual, it means you have already given the benefit of doubt to that person that they have the capacity to betray you.  

Again they say “Trust has to be earned”. Now see the person who has to trust is you, so the other person does not require to do anything, they are the way they are, now whether or not to trust them is your choice , it’s just that over a period of time you get to know them. However, trust is actually a foundation of any relationship or friendship; it cannot be developed over a period of time.

Again by trusting other person you are not doing them any favor, rather it’s a favor to yourself, because all that time we are in doubt, there’s disturbance and instability inside your mind, which means a lot of waste and negative thoughts. The moment you start trusting , all those waste and painful thoughts are over, so basically you are relieving yourself of all the anxiety and burden , because  now there is no doubt, so the moment you think can trust other person , what do you get? Peace, happiness and stability, so whom did you do the favor to? Yourself!

Why are we not able to trust someone today? Because when other person says something or does something, we start doubting that person, does he/she think the same? Why is this occurring to you? Ever given that a thought? It’s because you are that way, if majority of the times your thoughts, words and actions are separate, you will picture other people with the same pattern. So it’s basically about integrity at a very root level, in your everyday life, you have to pretend, to please others, to maintain that image that you've created for others, when your self-esteem relies on what opinion do others have about you, and somewhere you had to hide your thoughts and feelings, so most of the time in a day,you are cheating yourself, because you don’t have the courage to speak what you think. The whole day you are spending impressing, influencing people, you don’t have time to be yourself! Throughout the day you live disintegrated, because your sense of worth is based on what others are thinking about you, because normally everyone thinks if I don’t speak well about others, they won’t like it, then they won’t like me, and then I will not like myself.

So we must begin with accepting ourselves, these are my strengths and these are my weakness, and its fine to have some weakness, but I am working on them. So when you have this integrity within you, you are able to accept others too in the same way, that they too are equipped with some good and some bad about them, and I am ready to accept them that way, so what happens eventually is that the person whom you've accepted as they are, will stop pretending. We pretend before whom, we know, will not accept us the way we are.  Similarly when it comes to a husband –wife relationship, problems arise, like till when am I supposed to deal with something I don’t like about my spouse! We can generally pretend for few hours when we are out in a day, but it’s difficult to pretend throughout the day. So when this wall of pretense falls, you see a different person, and the general dialogue “Oh, so this is what you really are!” comes up. The above scenario would be more common among-st couples who've been committed before and have then married.

So when you say to relevant other that “You’ll have to win my trust”, the truth is rather like you have to be strong enough to trust them. When you've accepted others, then there’s no expectation. Example you expecting that the relevant other will change, would do something for you, that means you are creating an image of that person in your mind, and saying that  till the time you act in this manner, I shall trust you, once you behave in contradiction to the way you were, I won’t be able to trust you.  Why? Because that image that you've created in your mind is broken.

So best way to tell someone is, “I trust you that you are feeling the same way what you are saying” , so you are saying that I believe that even the smallest of the things you say are only which you are really feeling at that moment.  Now let’s take another example, a married friend came to me and said “My husband is a very nice person, he always shared everything with me which I liked, but he was way too honest as an individual, so initially though it was difficult to accept his straightforwardness, I did accept it but now he hardly shares anything and I also suspect that he’s started lying to others and me too, now how am I supposed to accept him with this change? “  So here we see that though she pointed out that her husband has started lying to others and she’s uncomfortable with that, shouldn't be an issue, as she as a his partner would rather try to understand him and also support him in his act of probably pleasing other, but in real she’s definitely unhappy because he has started lying to her, so what’s changed? Probably she has not accepted a certain action or words that he said and probably would have said that ‘This truth, that you've shared with me, I will not accept it, I will not like it’, means her power of acceptance has lessened and so her husband had to lie to her. And this stands vice-verse as well.

So when we are hurt due to  certain words or action of a person we trust, it’s necessary to understand  that everybody in this world makes mistakes and counsel yourself that their mistake should not affect you and check on your stability of mind , you cannot blame other person for your hurt feeling, it’s your responsibility to  heal yourself of that uneasiness , and now with that clarity and strength you can try to see things from their perspective and help them deal with the disturbances in their lives. Because at times we get so much involved with our own feelings and grievances, that we don’t realize what is the other person going through.

In conclusion when we are trusting other person, it’s not them but your strength to be able to trust them, it requires a realistic perspective about people and needs to be combined with a willingness to forgive and grows best in an environment of acceptance.

Compiled by:

Isha R Ganatra